The Rules

I really shouldn’t have to have this tab, however I know my friends and they’re not alone in their culinary stupidity. I love them dearly, but some of them should never be allowed in the kitchen except to get a cookie. A store bought cookie. Here we go. (I’ll be adding more rules depending how deep the rabbit hole goes.)

 

Never leave the kitchen/house/apartment while the stove is on. This should be a no brainer and that’s why it’s number one. I don’t care if your favorite celebrity has just stopped by for a beer, photo op, oil change – NO LEAVING THE STOVE!  Leaving the area when the heat is on is very dangerous, which makes this a non-negotiable rule.

 

Don’t cook naked. I can hear you laughing but ask yourself how many times you made toast in your underwear. Just think about how much bacon splatters when you cook it. If you’re standing around in your birthday suit odds are that bacon fat is gonna pop right on your junk. Please dress for dinner.

 

Always start with cold water. You may think using hot water will make things faster, and it will, but you’ll be ingesting all kinds of sediment that has been lying around it the hot water tanks. Think about it people, most of you live in NYC and trust me, you have enough toxins to wade through during the day without eating “mystery minerals.”

 

Keep your knives sharp. No one looks cool torturing a tomato for thirty minutes with a dull ass knife. Spend the money on a small knife sharpener. I realize that the mechanical expensive ones are really good but if you’re on a budget like everyone else these days, you’ll want something between now and the next Wall Street boom to keep your equipment sharp.

 

Respect expiration dates. Unless it’s cured in salt or blessed by a rabbi (this is not me being cute – I’m serious) check the dates and throw it out if it has lingered too long, open or closed. Having your guts turn inside out and do the hokey-pokey is not worth the 3 bucks you wasted on chucking the toxic swill.

 

Have a fire extinguisher,  large pot lid or a large container of baking soda at hand. Hey, shit happens right? Sometimes a flare up can get out of hand and if your sprinkler system hasn’t seen an upgrade since the 18th century, you’re kinda boned. Pour baking soda on a grease fire NOT WATER! Also, learn how to use the fire extinguisher. This is not permission to go nuts, ok? Which brings me to my next rule…

 

No screwing around in the kitchen. Use common sense people. In the kitchen there are sharp knives, hot stoves and boiling liquids. In cave man speak that means – fire, spears and liquid death. Do you really want to get in the way of someone walking around with a chef’s knife? I almost got ran through because my aunt didn’t hear me walk into the kitchen. The only thing that saved me from getting a blade in my gut on Christmas was her incredible reflexes. That being said – no sex in the kitchen either! Have you SEEN the floor after cooking dinner?

 

Wash your damn hands. Seriously guys. Ew.