The Sweet Spot: Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Ah yes, the icon of Valentine’s Day. Listen people, I’ve been eating these since way before some yuppie mid 90′s throw back thought, “Hey we can market this to people for Valentine’s Day!” It all started in Callie’s Candy Kitchen in Mountainhome Pennsylvania way back when I was a little itty-bitty pain in the neck and not the super duper trouble maker and wise ass you see today. This man puts chocolate on EVERYTHING! Strawberries, potato chips, cream cheese and before you go “Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, who puts chocolate on cream cheese?” think about what cheese cake, chocolate cheese cake at that, is made of. …….Thank you.

Risotto: Step Aside Rice-A-Roni

For some reason Risotto is thought of as this Italian delicacy served in fancy restaurants. I blame Seinfeld. Risotto is peasant food! They took rice, cooked it in broth and ate it. There’s no mystery in the making, no revelation that is being guarded by an armed staff of chefs. In fact I can show you how to make it right now and the only thing you’ll really need is extra arm power, because it does involve a lot of stirring.

Making Bread Crumbs: When bread is hard enough to kill

We’ve all gone through this. You buy a beautiful long baguette with the best intentions of using it. You leave it in it’s store packaging on the counter over night and the next day it feels like a red wood trunk.

You’ve got stale!

Your first instinct is to go, “Mother @#$%!” and throw it out. STOP! Calm down. Have some dip. This can be fixed.

Pasta: Olive Garden Can Kiss My Ass

Alright people. Enough crimes have been committed in the name of pasta and it’s time we ended this blood bath. I want you to repeat after me:

• Pasta is my friend.
• Pasta is my friend.
• Pasta should NEVER be cooked for more than 8 MINUTES! (some will argue 10)

RESPECT the pasta! And thus follows my commandments:

1. Thou shall not over cook the pasta until it can be sucked through a straw.
2. Thou shall not snap the spaghetti/linguine/angel hair in half. Be a man and cook it unsnapped.
3. Thou shall not put Velveeta on any pasta. It doesn’t give much to the dish and thus no point it adding it.
4. Thou shall not oil thy boiling water unless you want your sauce to slide right off the spaghetti.
5. And the most important: Thou shall NOT CALL IT NOODLES! That’s Chinese food you arrogant twit and don’t start with me about how pasta came from China.
6. Chef Boy-ar-dee is NOT pasta or Italian. It’s canned tragedy. Dress it up anyway you want, not even Don Corleone could convince me that this is anything other than recycled tires in red sauce.

Now on to the instructions.

Filet Mignon: A Quick & Dirty How To

The person who inspired me to start U Can’t Cook has done it again. What has she done? Messed up dinner that’s what and I know she’s not alone. Have we seriously become such a take out nation that the simple act of frying up a steak is equivalent to completing the Friday New York Times cross word?

Egg Preparation Series: Poached Eggs

I know, “long time comin’.” Yeah shut up.

For all you ‘peeps’ (teehee) who can’t poach an egg, here you go! Video proof that it can be done without a million bits of equipment or a piece of plastic you have to nuke.

Keeping Basil Fresh: with out the tatoo, earring and surly expression

Get it? Fresh? You guys suck….

I like fresh basil but sometimes you get this stuff home from the store and it’s either wilted, wilts by the next day or has brown patches all over it. This herb is pretty delicate, so unless you’re planning on having a little pot of it growing on a sunny window sill, you’re gonna have to get creative. Let’s face it guys, most of us live in cities where we’re lucky if our apartment has a window, never mind sun.

Quesadillas and Guacamole: without that stupid machine

I know some of you have seen those quesadilla makers. I know you felt compelled to buy one. I also know that this would be a stupid waste of money. Seriously guys, if you want to throw your money away, you might as well make the check out to me right now. Thanks to my new phone I also take all major credit cards, except Discover. Listen people, you DON’T need to get every gadget on “Buy Me Now” TV ok. I can show you how to do this quick and easy and without the extra crap.

Quick Meal #1: Steak & Bake

This is a favorite at my house. Mostly because it’s so easy to do and you can substitute steak for chicken breast or a slice of fish if you want to switch it up.

What you’ll need:

• steak(s) (shell cut is what I use)
• Idaho potato(es)
• box(s) of frozen broccoli or other vegetable
• boullion cube(s)
• a frying pan

Steel Cut Oats: The Short Version

I like oatmeal. So does Rob. I know how to cook it. So does Rob. I always make steel cut oatmeal. Rob pulls a Houdini and I end up busting my ass over a hot stove for 45 minutes while those little oaty bastards make up there mind about how quick they’re gonna finish cooking.

Now that I have picked a fight with oatmeal and checked off my list another inanimate object with which to yell at, I’ll show you a short cut.